I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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