you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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