My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
