I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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