question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
