Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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