i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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