Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
