Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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