im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Who wears a wallet chain?!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm just crazy horny about you
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
