i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
