I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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