Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
