You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
