just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize