Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
