I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just cropdusted the office
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
