I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
