Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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