The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
