When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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