I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
