Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
