Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize