John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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