My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
