Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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