T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
