I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize