i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
