so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
