My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
