"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
