people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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