Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I need water and some morals
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
