I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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