Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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