I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
