I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
