ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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