just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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