I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
PANTIES FOUND
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