There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
