Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
