Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
