and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
