and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
