feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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