this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
