sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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