I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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