that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize