Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
