You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
