I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
