You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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