So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
