My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
