Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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