he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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