There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
