remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize