I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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