You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I believe in your delicious
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize