omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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