i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
