So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
