He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
