I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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