a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
