I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
