Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
