Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
